I couldn't sleep last night. I woke up disoriented at 5am, wondering whose bed this is, whose room and mirror and off-white curtains. It took me time to realize it was mine - that the city was still sleeping. I stayed awake and watched the streetlights dim and the sun slowly flood the streets. I listened to the first bus squeal its tires, the advent of the morning rush.
Later this morning my friend texted me to tell me a mutual friend's husband died. Out of nowhere, he passed. I was walking into the hurried, crowded subway when I read it, on my way to work. A dark-haired woman pushed the crowd into the train. She touched my hand and pulled me in. My cheeks were pressed against the window and I was sweating through my shirt. The woman called out to us and said, "Jesus is coming soon." As if she knew I needed good news.
Last night there was a shooting in my hometown near Colorado, the day after the attack in NYC. I knew my family was safe, but that familiar feeling lingered - the fear that this stroke of bad news, this act of violence, this natural disaster, will finally be the one to get me. The news these days is dizzying. Nothing feels certain anymore, and today I felt it more than ever.
I wanted to hold everyone I know and kiss their cheeks. I was heartbroken for my friend who's experiencing the kind of loss I've never had to deal with. I was terrified of what else could happen today. And so I went to work, disoriented, and cooked - because that's what I'm paid to do and because it feels good to nourish people... to support a life, at the risk of sounding hyperbolic.
I've been reading Alice Waters's new memoir, Coming To My Senses, which is really, really great by the way, and spending a lot of time with her cookbooks. I made a few salads from The Art Of Simple Food today, but this one was especially bright and lovely on a day that felt damp - just supremes of grapefruit, slices of avocado, and watercress. I topped my salad with seeds - poppy, toasted sesame, and hemp. Would be fun topped with everything bagel seasoning, too, like a dish I had at Roister in Chicago - avocado & grapefruit on toast with everything butter (dried garlic, onion, poppy, sesame).